Growth

I’ve been reflecting on the past 20 years. I’ve changed. But looking back I would have done things so differently. But the paradox is if I had done those things the way I’d do it today then I would not have grown into a man who would have done them differently.

I appreciate everything I had at the time. It’s painful that there were so many “lives” that I could have lived but this is the only one that the universe had in store for me; to take care of my mentally disabled sister. Not just pay someone to take care of her, but love her, spend time with her and get to know her. I wish I had felt this way when my Dad got cancer. All I did was work for 3 years to get him money when money didn’t matter. I should have stopped working and spent those 3 years with him. That’s one thing I would have done differently that I cannot change. The pain I experience when I realize that I cannot go back is a result of growth. I care about people today.

The other regret that would have done differently was going back to Aspen for my job as a bartender at the Little Nell in Aspen. I didn’t return for the 2005 season. They called me twice. I would have been the head bartender at a 5-star ski resort serving billionaires in Aspen. I stayed in Oregon. I worked a pool hall. I got an arrested for a DUI. I had to get sober in Oregon. My Dad would be diagnosed with cancer 2 years later in 2007. He died on September 6th, 2011. I wonder what my life would have been like if I had gone back to Aspen and continued partying with the billionaires in Aspen.

The pain I feel when I look back at these choices is the pain of growth.