Thank you iPad for not being broken. I am so happy right now, that my keyboard is working. Thank you Ninja. I had a scare. It stopped working for a couple mins. I realized how much I adore this keyboard. It is such a fantastic addition to the iPad. I would be so bummed to not have it anymore. Thank you Kenny the Keyboard!!! I love you Kenny, Ninja. Kate and Finn. Those are my computer friends!!!!
We have been through a lot together. I am sorry for all the times, I was mean to you all. I have a tendency to not have patience. I like things to be instantaneous!! I need to work on being more relaxed. I get so uptight about things.
I am so thankful for everything, my life, JediRich and all my wonderful devices and items that are dear to me. I know we do not need a ton of things to make it through life, but it’s nice to have some friends along the way. I love my clothes, my shoes, my headphones, my purses, but not in a greed way. I love them, because they have become a part of me. They are part of my style and character.
I never had many things. I grew up fairly poor. My mom struggled to work several jobs, after my dad left. I remember her being stressed about money all the time. It was hard. She was such a beautiful and wonderful woman and mom. She worked so hard to get no where in life. My mom got the shaft. I fully understand why she decided to throw in the towel. Life had been extremely hard on my mom. She couldn’t catch a break.
My mom killed herself in November 2005. It’s been many years and I know her spirit is with me always, but it is still so hard to not have a mom. I miss her so much. Even thinking about my mom brings me to tears. Often, my mom has to communicate to JediRich, because I get so sad at the thought of her.
I get sad, not just because she is gone. I get sad, because, life sucked for her when she was alive. She really had a tough time. It makes me so sad to think about all that she went through. All she ever wanted was a little house, that we wouldn’t have to keep moving from and a basic life. She also wanted to be thin. She did not realize, that she was consuming such a high sugar diet, that made her more depressed and made her gain weight.
My mom, had always been so weight conscience. This is a big reason why I started eating disorders at such a young age. My mom had been extremely influential in teaching me to watch what I ate and watch my weight. I became so obsessed with being thin. I first became anorexic, then bulimic for over 15 years. My mom never wanted that existence for me. She did not know any better at the time.
After, my mom died, my bulimia got severe. I was so sad, that I used bulimia to cope. I was in the Air Force, when my mom died. I was 20 years, I was so upset. I did not know what to do. I could barely function, so I dove into my bulimia head on. I remember, I was living in Oklahoma City. I did not like to be with my thoughts too long, so I busied myself. I got a second job, as a cocktail waitress. The Air Force had to tell me to quit the extra job, because I was exhausting myself.
I remember, one day being so out of it, that I passed out in front of my roommates door. My car had broken down and I needed a ride to my cocktail job. I knocked on my roommates door, then I passed out for a couple seconds. I jumped up and said, I need to go to work. He said, Joy, you need to rest. I said, I cannot sleep and I need to go to work. So he brought me. This is all a very dark time. I remember being in a daze the first couple months.
I drank so much during this time. My roommate, Blake got deployed for 6 months about a month after my mom died. I had the apartment to myself, which was not a good thing. I became more and more bulimic, with no one around to hide how much i ate. I would get drunk, overeat and then be really upset. One night, I searched the apartment for my roommate’s gun. I was going to go be with my mom.
She shot herself in the heart, and I was going to do the same. Luckily, I never found the gun. Blake must have moved it before he left. It was not in its usual place. I would be dead today, If I had found that gun. I have had 3 failed suicide attempts. I took pills, all three times, which did not work. I ended up puking up the pills in my sleep, which kept me alive.
Apparently, it was not my time to go yet. It is such a good and bad feeling when you wake up from a suicide attempt. You feel kind of relieved, but pissed off at the same time, that it did not work. Often, people have thought that I was looking for attention and never meant to die. That is untrue. I was at my wits end, each time. I was done with life. I felt so much relieve when I took the pills. I thought for sure, I would wake to see my mom, but that never happened.
I know that my mom talks to me daily. I hear her advice and love, but I still miss her. People may not understand how close I was to my mom. I know most people are close to their mom’s because its their mom. But me and my mom, were a whole other galaxy of close. My mom had tried to kill both of us, when I was 5 years old. She had been depressed. I was ready to go with my mom then. She changed her mind, and we did not take the pills that time.
My mom, was the best mom. It is hard to describe the level of her love for me. My mom was my best friend, my entire life. I miss my best friend. We did so much together. I was never embarrassed of my mom. I did not care, if she walked with my in high school or waited for me after my classes. She worked at the high school, I went to. She would meet up with me after Spanish class. We would walk to our next class together. We only had one that was close. So once a day that year, I would walk with my mom in high school.
People thought they were too cool for school and did not want to have their parents around. That was never the case for me. My mom was a nutball, but everyone loved her, especially me!!! She would be so cute in her little backpack at school. She was little, so she looked like a student. The thought of her little backpack brings me to tears every time I think about it.
When my mom died, she took the gun and went missing. My step dad called me on a Friday night. She had left a suicide note. I still to this day, have not seen it. It makes me sad, that I never read her last words. I asked my step dad awhile back. He did not know what happened to the note, and he did not tell me what it said. The way they found her was her little red backpack. She took her little backpack and went to the creek by her house.
The police found the red backpack floating down the creek and that is how they were able to find her. The thought of that red backpack, used to send me in a tizzy. I would lose it at the thought of my mom and her cute little backpack. I miss her so much. I wish I could have helped her understand how much I still needed her.
I left high school a year early and moved in with my dad. I was struggling with eating disorders. My mom thought some counseling with my dad, was just what I needed. It turns out, it was not. I ended up hating living with my dad. My step mom and I but heads a lot. Their is a weird jealousy that occurs with the step mom and daughters and dads. I hate it. It makes it so awkward. I barely talk to my dad now.
It was really hard on my mom, when i moved into my dads, and shortly after that the Air Force. She missed me severely. She visited me a bunch of times in the Air Force. She came to everything. I feel bad for having my dad put my wings on me. I do not know why I did that now. Daddy issues, I guess. I was supposed to pick who had inspired me the most. I picked my dad, since it was his idea to go in the Air Force.
Looking back, this must have devastated my mom. She had dedicated her whole life to me. She did everything for me. It was a slap in the face, to give the honor to my dad. For that, I will always be sorry to my mom. She was the parent, that deserved all the honors and credit. She was the best mom, I could ever ask for.
If the universe asked me if I would choose a different mom with a different outcome, I would say NO!! I would chose my mom over and over and over. To feel her love is worth all the pain in the world. I am who I am because I was loved by my mom. She is my hero. When I was young, she entered me into a Hero speech contest.
Here’s the thing, I was unaware, I was entered into the contest. It was a speech writing contest about your hero. I was about 11 or 12 years old. My mom wrote the speech about herself, but as if I had wrote it. Her speech won the contest. Then I had to get up and give the speech. It made me laugh, giving the speech. I was reading my mom’s words’ as she was licking her own ass. It was hilarious. That’s just how my mom was. She was such an amazing character. I love you mom!!! Thanks for everything!!!
Jedi Joy Lightowler is an expert in eating and nutrition & a combat special-ops Air Force Veteran.
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