I am going to start writing. I have not wanted to write lately. I have been all about taking photos and making videos. JediRich, always tells me to write. He encourages me to write. I have a weird sort of fear about writing. I am overcoming this fear daily. I am overcoming it, as I write, right now.
JediRich gave me his older Ipad when he upgraded. It has a keyboard, that I love. It makes it so easy to write and type. I really have no excuse anymore. My fear stems from childhood. I used to love writing so much. I would write how I felt. I would Journal. I had a diary. I loved writing letters and stories.
Then one day, over education happened. I got beat down by the criticism of my peers and educators in high school and college. The thing, I used to love, had become a chore and a dread. I no longer looked forward to writing assignments or essays.
I remember to this day, I had a melt down in school. I am crying thinking about it. It was so impactful to a 14 year old girl. I was a straight A student with a perfect 4.0 GPA my whole life. I graduated high school a year early, because I was so ahead in my classes. I never have liked timed tests. That gives me so much anxiety.
We had a final with a timed essay. I was already under pressure, because I had got a 100% on the mid term. It was going to be graded on a curve, but I answered every question right. So I threw off the curve, to the dislike of all my classmates. This was an English writing class. The teacher had already teased about me setting the highest standard again. I cracked under the pressure. It was so emotional. It was so embarrassing.
I had taken writing so seriously, that I started balling when the words couldn’t come. I tried to write and nothing worked. I had always been able to free flow my words. I got so caught up in the pressure of being perfect. I did not want to disappoint my teacher or parents. All though no one expected perfect, they had gotten used to me being perfect with my grades.
I remember one time in Geometry class as I freshman. Math was my favorite subject. I had the best math teacher my freshman year. Now, I realize, I was super attracted to my teacher. At the time, I was so naïve, I would have never dreamed that was the case. I had an A in the class. I always did great on tests and pop quizzes. One day, we had this problem solving quiz. The first question had to be solved and that answer was used for the rest of the questions. If the first answer was wrong, then the rest of the test was wrong.
That is exactly, what happened to me. It was the first time in my life, I ever got a zero on a quiz. I was shocked. I came home and cried. I was a perfectionist in everything. That is what made me get into eating disorders so much, is my quest for perfection. My mom, always tried to make things better. I told her about this quiz. I was so upset. She said, do you need a tutor. I said no Mom, I have an A. I just feel stupid about this one test.
The next day, I go into school for that class. My mom worked at the school, so she had direct access to my teachers. I was mortified when my teacher took me aside before class. Remember, I had a crush on this teacher. He was all, Joy, your mom was concerned about your grades and asked me if you needed a tutor. I informed your mom, that you have the highest grade in the class and that you would be more likely to tutor other students. I was honored by the compliment, but so embarrassed that my mom had talked to my teacher.
It is funny now thinking back on these things. They seem so small when put my fingers to my pad. I like the ring to that. Normally, it would be pencil to paper, but now with my iPad and cool keypad, it’s fingers to pad. There are events in our life, that at the time were insanely impactful. Those are the events that get lodged into our memories most. We remember the things that stand out most. A lot of our past is forgotten, but there are those certain moments that stand out.
Those moments, can be fond, fearful, angry or sad memories. There are all types of emotional memories. In order for a memory to log into your brain, a strong emotion is required. We forget about a lot of events and moments, because they are of lower importance and are lest impactful. Every memory is impactful and important, if it is remembered.
Memories are a fantastic way for the dead to connect with the living. Dead people will connect with us in anyway that we can understand. Thoughts on our past, songs, movies and ideas are other ways the dead can easily connect. It is not a coincidence, when a thought pops up out of the so called blue. Those are what I call winks from your dead friends.
Knowledge, is a collective. Everything, we know is what is known through the Universe. We cannot know things that we are unaware exist. Does that make sense? How can one know, what one does not know? An idea comes from the Universe. We often want to take credit for the collective knowledge we obtain. Dead people are always around to help. Most people ignore them, so they have a lot of free time. If people listen, they are happy to assist.
As a cultural and society, we frown upon the idea of talking to the dead. We associate that with witch craft or insanity. People are put in mental intuitions for talking to their own thoughts. Thoughts are the dead friends. The idea of having a conscience, is the dead friends. They are available to anyone willing to be open. I talk to my dead mom and brother all the time. They have helped me walk through this journey. They helped me become a Jedi and a free spirit. I grew up an uptight Christian. Now I am a carefree Satanist. Thank you dead friends!!! I love you all!!!!!!